


Superman Castrates the World

by AvelinXVI



Category: Superman - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22156264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvelinXVI/pseuds/AvelinXVI
Summary: Jonathon Kent takes a bike trip through the countryside.
Kudos: 15





	1. Superman Castrates the World #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathon Kent takes a bike trip through the countryside.

Superman Castrates the World #1

_For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it. ___

____

***

Jonathan Kent strutted douchily into the dive bar, his unusually large, uncircumcised penis pressing uncomfortably against his skinny jeans. The feeling reminded him of sex, which caused his penis to harden and stain his pants with globules of warm, sticky cums.

‘Hello, you filthy Jezebel’ Jonathan addressed one of the woman attendees of the bar. ‘How would you like to engage in pre-marital sexual intercourse, despite the clear Biblical prohibition on doing that?’

The woman turned to Jonathan and saw the outline of his large, erect penis through his skinny jeans. She licked her lips at the thought of sucking his cum stains clean. ‘I would love to engage in the sin of pre-marital sex with you. It is not every day that we see an American around here.’ Jonathan was American, and overseas to do The War.

‘Yes, I am American and am here to do The War’ Jonathan took her hand and took her outside. ‘Perhaps if you are good enough at sex, I will marry you and bring you back to America with me. It is good that women have sex in exchange for material stability.’

‘That is a very feminist view to have. Here, people think that women should not have sex for money. My father forces me to wear this hijab.’ Her buxom hair strained against her tight, suggestive hijab.

Jonathan shook his head. ‘I used to think like that. Now I have sex with women for money, and I pay for their abortions too.’

‘These are inherently feminist acts. You are very enlightened. One day, Superman will be your son, but at the moment, you do not want a son, so you pay the women you sleep with to have abortions.’ The woman looked at Jonathan hornily.

‘This is my barracks, or they are my barracks, or it is my barrack. I am not sure how to properly use that word. Come in and have sex with me, and I might marry you. If I am not impressed, I will throw you out on the street. I am using you for sex, and if you are not good at sex, I will desert you.’

The woman removed her hijab and hopped onto Jonathan Kent’s bed. ‘Come and get me, big boy.’ Jonathan pulled his pants off, grabbed onto the woman’s hair and wrapped it around his large, uncircumcised penis. He rubbed the hair up and down, giving himself sexual pleasure with no regard for how his partner felt. He then put his penis inside the woman’s mouth.

Jonathan’s bunkmate looked down from the top bunk of the bed. ‘That is good sex you are doing, Jonathan. Mind if I use the woman you are having sex with after?’

‘That is not a problem, buddy-pal. It’s not like I will give her an orgasm she will need to recover from or anything.’ The two friends laughed long into the night.

\---

The next morning, Jonathan awoke with an erect penis. It was not an erection caused by nocturnal male hormones. It was a horny erection, and it was caused by Jonathan’s desire for sex. Jonathan quietly snuck out of bed. He did not want to have sex with the same woman as last night. He had to sleep with an endless parade of new women to satiate his addiction to novel sexual experiences.

He put on his cool leather jacket and hopped on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. He revved the engine loudly as he got ready to drive out of the camp.

‘Sgt Kent! It’s 4am! What is the meaning of this commotion!’ Jonathan’s commanding officer yelled as he shook his fist out of the window. He had a medium sized, uncircumcised penis.

‘Calm down, pops’ Jonathan said as he lit a cigarette. ‘You’re cramping my style’ He threw the match at a fuel depot, blowing it up, as a he rode out to find women to have sex with.

The countryside was nice, and the plants were singing, and the birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky. Jonathan Kent looked around the countryside and said ‘it is a good day to chew gum and pay women to have sex with me and abortions, and I’m all out of gum.’

The town Jonathan soon arrived at was a charred husk of its former self, and a stark contrast to the surrounding Eden, still untouched by The War. Charred body parts lay scattered everywhere. Most of the survivors, still in shock, didn’t react to Jonathan’s arrival.

A woman holding a baby with a baby sized, uncircumcised penis ran out to him. ‘P- please! America! Please! Ayuda!’

Where a man with no penis would see an opportunity for his heart, Jonathan saw only an opportunity for his penis. He was horny for sex.

‘It looks like you need help accessing contraceptives and abortions’ Jonathan said as he groped the woman.

‘Y- yes. Please’ the woman stuttered, believing that Jonathan was offering to take her child to safety.

‘Maybe you can offer me an ordinary service that isn’t distinguished in any way from other forms of work in return’ Jonathan said hornily.

‘Y- yes. Child. Please.’

Jonathan pulled out his unusually large penis and started stroking it against the woman’s armpits. He did not care that he was doing this in front of other people, and he did not care that he did this while she was holding her child. The woman started crying. She collapsed on the floor, a broken woman. Jonathan came and wiped it off on the woman’s clothes. He dropped a handful of condoms and abortifacient drugs on the woman and hopped back on his motorcycle.

‘My work here that I did is done’ he said.

‘P- please.’ She tried to push her child into Jonathan’s hands.

‘Someday, I will be Superman’s father, but at the moment, I think with my penis instead of with my heart, and do not want a child’ Jonathan said back to her.

He kicked the stand of his motorcycle up and drove off, leaving the woman and child behind.

\---

Jonathan’s motorcycle vibrated against his genitals, which eased the devastating effects of sex addiction and made him feel good. He took pride in being a feminist, and had paid a woman for sex with condoms and abortifacients, which made him feel like a good feminist, which made him feel good. "I am on a journey that will result in me being Superman’s father" he thought, "but at the moment, it is a journey to pay women to have sex with me and abortions." Jonathan had reached the outskirts of the capital. The streets were strangely empty for such a large city. Though The War had not reached there, its fear and its poverty were more far reaching than its violence. Jonathan saw this as an excellent opportunity to pay women to have sex with him and abortions, because he still thought with his penis and not his heart.

As he pulled up to a service station to buy fuel for his cool Harley-Davidson motorcycle, he saw a woman screaming at an American soldier with a large, circumcised penis while another woman cowered behind her. ‘She’s barely 18!’ the angry woman said. ‘Of course she said yes, you’re twice her size and carrying an assault rifle!’

‘Hello’ said Jonathan Kent. ‘Maybe I can be of assistance here. I will be Superman’s father in the future.’

‘This crazy SWERF is trying to tell that girl who she can and can’t have sex with!’ the soldier replied

‘She’s practically a ch-’

‘Ok, incel’ Jonathan replied.

‘My sister’s scared and des-’

‘Ok, incel’

‘This is illegal under our la-’

‘Who hurt you, sweaty?’

Jonathan Kent roundhouse kicked the woman, knocking her unconscious. ‘Don’t worry, you’re safe now’ he said to the woman cowering behind. ‘Why don’t you come with us?’

The girl started crying.

‘Hey, thanks for helping me out back there.’ The soldier fist bumped Jonathan and then did one of those cool gang handshake things. ‘People in this town are all kinkshamers and SWERFs’

‘Superman will own a Kryptonian city, but it will be very small. He will keep it in his house at the North Pole, but Santa is real and also lives at the North Pole, and Superman will meet him sometimes.’

‘Hey, that’s great, let’s go get ourselves a drink.’ Jonathan Kent’s new friend grabbed the cowering woman’s arm and pulled her along with them.

‘Sometimes, Superman will drink, but he will be immune to alcohol. His best friend, Batman, will not drink.’

‘You’re alright, pal. You’re alright.’ Jonathan Kent’s new friend pat Jonathan’s back. ‘I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.’

\---

Jonathan Kent and his new friend were pulling off the prostitute they hired’s clothes.

‘Damn, that’s a vagina’ Jonathan’s friend said. ‘And those are boobs!’

‘And those knees’ said Jonathan hornily.

Suddenly, the door was pushed off of it’s hinges and fell into the room.

‘Svetlana! We found you!’ A man leading a group of angry locals burst through.

‘D- dad!’ The girl Jonathan and his friend had hired ran up and grabbed hold of her father.

Jonathan was still horny. He grabbed hold of Svetlana's ankle. Her father stamped on his arm.

‘Someday, you will be Superman’s father’ he said ‘but at the moment, you are a bad man.’ He pulled a knife out from his belt. ‘Once you lose your penis, you will have to think with your heart, instead of your penis, which you currently think with. Then will be a good person.’

‘The penis is evil’ Jonathan replied 'yet I am addicted to The Devil's Dance. My sorrow is unrelenting, for I will miss my wicked ways.' His penis was shooting out the last cums he was to ever make, because he was going to be castrated.


	2. Batgirl #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbara spends her break on the roof; she watches the people at the bus stop below.

_Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming to you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days! ___

____

____

\---

‘Mr Luthor? Sir?’ Barbara Gordon’s footsteps echoed through Lex Luthor’s cavernous office.

‘Please, Mr. Luthor was my father’s name. Call me daddy. Is your cunny itchy for daddy’s cummies again?’ Lex Luthor unzipped his fly and brought out his freakishly large, circumcised penis.

‘I-- I’d like to quit, sir. I don’t want to do this any more.’ Barbara stammered.

‘Of course. That’s fine. After your month’s notice, of course. Until then...’ Lex Luthor motioned towards his massive dong.

‘Please. Don’t make do this again. I know I signed a contract but--’

‘Yes, you signed a contract. Just like all my employees. The miners at Lexcorp Coal don’t get to quit without their months’ notice, do they?’

‘But this is sex!’ Barbara started sobbing. ‘You can’t make me do that if I don’t want to! It’s different to signing a contract as a coal miner!’

‘Sex work is just like other kinds of work. It’s exactly like being a coal miner. Do you believe that sex work requires some kind of “vastly higher standard of consent” to other kinds of work? That you need to provide “constant and enthusiastic consent?” We need to normalise sex work, and that means normalising having sex you don’t want to have to fulfill contractual obligations. You’re sounding like a TERF, and I might have to protect sex workers by telling communists on the internet about you...’

‘No! Please. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life getting doxxed and receiving death threats.’

Lex Luthor started spinning his penis in circles. ‘Well? It ain’t gonna pump cummies into your princess parts itself, is it?’

Barbara Gordon vomited on the floor and fell to her knees.

‘Oh, yeah, baby. Vomit all over my office.’ Lex Luthor rolled in the vomit like a hog in mud. ‘Keep going, Babs.’ Luthor shoved his fingers down Barbara’s throat, pulled back as she began to vomit more, and then shoved his unusually large, circumcised penis down, pushing the vomit back.

Barbara turned blue as her windpipe filled. She pushed Luthor off and he fell to the floor, choking up the rest of the vomit. ‘I don’t care if it makes me a SWERF, I’m not sucking your dick again!’ She stormed out of the office, trailing Luthor’s vomit behind her.

Luthor walked back to his table, laughing to himself. ‘It is good to kill SWERFs, which is what I am now planning to do to my contract hooker, Barbara Gordon, and also I get off sexually by killing SWERFs, despite both murder and “horny” being clearly described as sins in the Bible, as well as the Quran, Bhagavad Gita and the holy books of all other major religions’ he said to himself as he opened a drawer in his desk and removed a gun.

\--- 

Barbara Gordon looked down at Metropolis from the roof of LexCorp Tower. ‘One day, I will be Batgirl, but at the moment, I am planning to commit suicide.’ she thought to herself. ‘I didn’t come here for this. I should have stayed in Gotham. I didn’t want to make sex workers fear for their lives by erasing their agency and power.’

Barbara felt a hand on her shoulder and turned.

‘Hello, my name is Batman, how are you today?’ Batman was there.

‘Hello Batman, my name is Barbara Gordon, and I will be Batgirl later, but right now, I am planning to jump off of this building because I have discovered that I am a SWERF and have been brainwashed by horny-feminism to want to kill SWERFs.’

‘If most people jumped off a building this tall, they would die. I am friends with a man who does not die when he jumps off of buildings this tall because he can fly. Even if he could not fly, he is very strong, and would break the concrete without himself being hurt. He is named Superman.’

‘OK, thank you.’

‘Maybe I could cheer you up by telling you a story about Superman and I, Barbara Gordon.’ Batman said.

‘OK, thank you’ Barbara replied.

‘One time, Superman could travel in time at will for some reason, and he took me to the Revolutionary War era where we saved the life of a woman who was being drowned as a witch. I didn’t share any credit with Superman, and the woman took me on a date as a reward, leaving Superman alone and jealous, so he used his super powers to frame me as a witch, stopped multiple efforts to rescue me and set me on fire himself.’

One thing lead to another and pretty soon The Joker shot you in the spine leaving you paraplegic and was implied to have raped you.’

‘OK, thank you’ Barbara replied.

‘I have to go cut off people’s genitals so they won’t engage in the sin of “horny” now.’ Batman leapt off the building, using his cape to slow his fall, tackled a man waiting for a bus, and cut off the erection he was trying to hide behind his belt.

‘Dressing as a bat and cutting off peoples’ genitals. I think I just had the idea to become the superhero Batgirl who I will be...’ Barbara thought to herself.

\--- 

‘Spare some change for an old veteran?’ An old man walking on crutches and carrying a cup full of quarters and dimes shuffled up to Lex Luthor.

Luthor laughed at the man and spat in his face. ‘I respect people no matter their sexuality, NOT no matter their financial or disability status.’

A crowd had noticed the disturbance and gathered to watch. ‘You show him, Lex! The Bible teaches us to respect the stranger, the powerless and the voiceless, but I instead respect people no matter their sexuality!’

Lex Luthor smirked. He grabbed one of the old man’s crutches and started beating him over the head with it. ‘Whether you’re straight or gay, bisexual or pan, I support you in that completely, but I do not respect those who are weaker or poorer than me!’

The gathered crowd started clapping. A police officer gave Lex Luthor a medal for defending sexual perversion. The beggar collapsed on the floor, and Luthor aimed one last strike at his skull, but someone from the crowd grabbed hold just before he struck.

‘It’s about time someone stood up to the bullies like you and the rest of the LGB+straight community.’ Jonathon Kent pushed Lex Luthor back, into the crowd.

‘Get the GOSH DANG away from me, incel. These things are motivated by my sadism fetish! Stopping me from doing cums is kinkphobic!’ Lex Luthor charged towards Jonathon Kent, swinging the crutch at him.

Jonathon stepped to the side and knocked Luthor to the floor. ‘I used to think like you, but then my penis was cut off during the war and I needed to learn to think with my heart, not my penis. Now I know that sex is always wrong, and should be illegal.’

Jonathon’s extremely wise words inspired some of the crowd, who tore off their own genitals and pelted Luthor with them. ‘Now I respect people who are poor, who have mobility issues or who are a different race to myself, and not people who are a different sexuality to me (asexual)!’ one of them shouted.

‘Kinkshamers! You’re all kinkshamers!’ Luthor started jumping up and down with rage. He pulled his gun out of his coat and aimed it at Jonathon. ‘You’re going to regret ever implying that sometimes our sexual urges are bad things, because I am going to shoot you with this gun!’

Before he could fire, a bat-shaped boomerang sliced off Lex Luthor’s genitals. He fell to the floor, screaming in pain. ‘Stopping someone from engaging in the sin of “horny” is the worst form of oppression. I wrongly believe that if I cannot have sex with women while I hit them and spit on them, it is comparable to the kinds of oppression faced by racial and religious minorities!’ he said.

Batgirl kicked his gun out of reach and stood on his arm. He would have found this very arousing if he still had genitals. ‘As I have learned from my recent experiences, it is actually a good thing to oppress people for their sexuality, and in an ideal world, nobody would have genitals.’

A police officer walked up to Batgirl, tears of joy in his eyes. ‘Thank you for teaching us that sex is always wrong, and should be illegal.’ He put a pair of handcuffs on Lex Luthor and dragged him to his feet. ‘You’re a real hero, Batgirl!’

‘No’ Batgirl replied. ‘The only real hero here is the famous anti-sex activist and fanfic author Avery Lincoln. I would marry him if I had the opportunity, but I do not, because he is too good for me.’

‘Yes, you are right’ the officer replied.

‘I’ll have my revenge, Batgirl. On you, on Jonathon Kent, on Barbara Gordon AND on the famous anti-sex activist and fanfic author Avery Lincoln for inspiring your crusade against “horny”.’

‘It doesn’t matter if you kill us all, Luthor’ Batgirl replied as they took him away. ’There will always be good men and women and other there to fight against sexuality.’


	3. Superman Castrates the World #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superman picks up a car that has fallen on its roof.

_Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’_

____

____

\---

Lex Luthor laughed. 'No prison alive can hold Lex Luthor, for I have an IQ of one trillion, and a net worth seven times as high.' He pulled his handcuffs against his throat with a jerk, breaking his neck and killing himself instantly.  
A figure in a long, black cloak, face concealed by the shadows of its hood opened the prison van door. 'Hello, Lex Luthor, I am Death, and I am here to take you to the afterlife.'  
Lex Luthor laughed. 'No afterlife alive can hold Lex Luthor. I challenge you to a game of chess for my soul. If I win, you will bring me back to life. If you win, my soul will be damned for all eternity.' He began to jerk off the prison guard next to himself, who did not react, as some weird effect of the barrier between life and death had frozen time for him in place.

Luthor and Death were sitting on two chairs at opposite ends of a chess board within a seemingly endless void. Death moved his kings pawn forward. 'Your move, Luthor, but you should know that nobody for two millennia past has managed to escape my grasp.'  
Lex Luthor laughed. 'I am known as the Bobby Fischer of chess, because I am good at chess, and racist.' He won the game in a single move.  
'Congratulations, Luthor. You've won your life.' Death pulled back his hood, revealing Lex Luthor's own face.  
Lex Luthor laughed. He picked up the chess board, scattering the pieces across the floor, and hit Death with it, knocking him onto the floor, where the pieces dug into his skin. 'I have always wanted to physically abuse myself for sexual reasons. I have a very high IQ' Luthor said as he pressed his foot into Death's Luthor's skull, caving it in.  
'Please, you can have your life, just leave me alone!' Death somehow called out from his Luthor's pulped face.  
'I can have whatever I want. I am very rich.' Luthor spat on Death.  
Death crawled away from him, desperate to make some distance. He lifted his scythe and cut a tear in the darkness. The tear pulled Luthor towards it with tremendous force, knocking him to the ground.  
'You can't run from me forever, Death. One day, I will die, and you will have to face me.' The tear pulled Luthor into it, returning him to life.  
Death shuddered, and he prayed for Luthor's health.

'Mr Luthor? Sir?' Barbara Gordon's footsteps echoed through Lex Luthor's cavernous office. Lex Luthor smiled. Death had returned enough of his life to avoid his previous downfall.  
'Please, Mr. Luthor was my father's name. Call me Lex.'

\---

'I made a terrible mistake, Martha. I was thinking with my penis and not with my heart. I swear, I'm a better man now. A man with no penis. I lost it in The War. Please, come live with me on my farm. We can raise corn and Superman.' Jonathon Kent wept.  
Martha thought for a moment. 'We've already tried to be together. I loved you, but you put me through a terrible experience. Though a future without you looks bleak, we have none together.' The thought clearly distressed her. 'Please, leave. I'm busy. Mr. Luthor is waiting on this order.'  
Jonathon sighed, defeated and broken. 'OK, I will respect your boundaries, goodbye.' He turned to leave, but the way was blocked. LexCorp Tower's lobby was filled to capacity. News crews and crowds swirled around Lex Luthor as he walked and spoke.  
'You heard right, Ms. Lane, I'll be running for president!' Lex said, conveniently bringing Jonathon and you up to date on a plotline that had been developing separately to the Martha one. 'I've had a change of heart, and now love my country instead of the sin of sex.'  
'I don't think I, nor my readers, can accept that so easily. Lex Luthor, the country's most powerful porn-mogul, running for president on an anti-sex platform? What's the catch?'  
'No catch, Lois. I'm reformed. A better man. A man who thinks with his trillion IQ brain, and not with his penis.'  
'Well, I'll be sure to--' Lois was interrupted by gunfire. The crowds stampeded towards the exits, but every one was blocked by a masked gunman. The gunman pushed further and further into the building, leaving dozens, then hundreds dead in their wake.  
Luthor held back a smirk and adjusted his belt to cover his erection. Everything was going according to his plan. He pulled a nearby American flagpole from its stand and leaped at a gunman, knocking his head off his shoulders with the pole. Another gunman started firing at him, but he used his trillion IQ points to calculate the bullets' trajectory and stepped out of the way. He threw the flagpole at the gunman, impaling him with it, before turning to the last.  
Lex Luthor took a gun from his belt and aimed it at the last gunman.  
'Woah, you weren't supposed to kill us, Le-' The gunman fell silent as Jonathon Kent leaped across the room and roundhouse kicked him unconscious.  
'Put down your gun, Luthor. The police will want at least one alive to question' Jonathon said.  
Lex's heart sank. One of his hired guns survived. This was the closest he was to being implicated in a mass shooting since 2017. 'I have an IQ of one trillion' he said.  
'OK.'  
'Thank you.' Lex Luthor shook Jonathon Kent's hand. 'Would you like to talk to Lois Lane while take this man to prison?'  
'OK.'  
Lex Luthor threw the man over his shoulder. 'He is and will remain alive and well. Goodbye. I have a net worth of $7trillion. Lex Luthor.'  
'Lois Lane' Jonathon Kent replied.  
'I am Lois Lane' Lois Lane said.  
'Lex Luthor asked me if I would like to talk to you, and I said that I would. He is taking a man to prison.'  
'OK.'  
U. S. President Donald J. Trump was there. He put a medal on Jonathon Kent for stopping a gunman. 'Hello, I am going to go see a movie, would you like to join me?' he said  
'No, thanks, I have to be getting back to--' Donald Trump nudged Jonathon Kent in the ribs hard enough to knock the wind out of him.  
'I insist, Jonathon. I really want to see a movie with you.' Donald Trump winked broadly at Jonathon Kent.  
Jonathon gave Donald Trump a confused smile. 'OK' he awkwardly muttered.  
'OK.'  
Jonathon Kent and Donald Trump got on Air Force One and Donald drove it to the cinema.

\---

Donald Trump nudged Jonathon in the ribs. 'This one is called "Drunken Gambler, Hidden Ass."'  
Jonathon Kent smiled awkwardly.  
'Get it?' Donald Trump nudged Jonathon in the ribs. 'The ASS is hidden.' He winked broadly at Jonathon Kent, who smiled and nodded politely.  
Donald and Jonathon got to the front of the line at the cinema. 'Hello, I would like to buy two tickets to Drunken Gambler, Hidden Ass.' Donald nudged Jonathon in the ribs. 'Hidden ASS.'  
Jonathon gritted his teeth and nodded politely. They made their way towards the room where the movie happens and you can see and listen to it as Donald continued to talk. 'ASS could be an acronym for many things. Perhaps even a thing you should be concerned about.' He winked broadly at Jonathon, who smiled and nodded in return. Jonathon was not having a nice time.  
The two arrived at their seats. Donald loudly slurped his Diet Coke. He nudged Jonathon in the ribs again. 'This movie is part of the new wave of Australian martial arts films they call Kangawuxia. They say it's going to be the next big thing. The next Marvel Cinematic Universe. There is no hidden message in that. There is in this, though. Hidden ASS. I need you to understand, Jonathon. There is a hidden ASS.'  
Jonathon smiled and nodded politely. Donald continued to loudly slurp his Diet Coke. After what seemed an age, the movie began.

The camera panned over the vast deserts of the Pilbara, faster and faster over hundreds of miles of shrubs, rocks and dirt, before suddenly stopping on the terrace of The Drunken Ass Pub, where Geraldine Gibran was betting the last of her money on a hand of cards. 'Read 'em and weep, boys' she said as she placed down a ten of swords and a the sun.  
Donald nudged Jonathon. 'The ten of swords represents betrayal, and the sun represents Superman. Hidden ASS.'  
Jonathon smiled and nodded.  
'Not so fast' Geraldine's opponent was a giant of a man, covered in tattoos and piercings. He laid down a Mr. Mime and psychic-type energy card.  
Donald nudged Jonathon in the ribs. 'Mr. Mime is my favourite Pokemon' he said.  
Jonathon smiled politely. 'Mine too' he replied.  
Donald pulled out his Nintendo Switch and turned it on. The volume was on the highest setting.  
'Let me show you my Mr. Mime' he said. 'I only caught him yesterday, so his stats aren't meta yet, but--'  
'Shh. Please, sir, you'll have to turn that off in here.' A cinema attendant had come by to quiet Donald.  
'Just give me a minute' Donald replied. He spat tiny flecks of popcorn on the attendant as he spoke.  
The attendant wiped her face and with saint-like patience continued. 'Please, you'll have to either turn it off right now or leave.'  
'OK, OK, Jonathon, remind me to show you my Mr. Mime when we leave.'  
Jonathon smiled politely at Donald. He was not having a nice time.

'Well, you got all my house? You got all my money? How about take my doNKEY TOO! HAHA!' Geraldine drunkenly laid the deed to her prized ass down on the table. 'And if I'm the win, then you gotta-- you gotta give me another drink, big boy, yeahhh!'  
Geraldine's giant opponent grinned. 'You've got a deal.' He shuffled the deck.  
Donald nudged Jonathon in the ribs. 'I tried to start a casino in Australia. They wouldn't let me because of my Mafia connections. Don't like Italians in Australia. Call them "Wogs."'  
Jonathon smiled and nodded again. He looked at his watch.  
'I'm friends with a lot of Italian. You may have heard of Rudy Giuliani? He was the mayor of New York or something. I think he's my lawyer now. Maybe he's my press secretary?'  
'Please, sir.' The cinema attendant was back. 'You'll have to be quiet or I'll have to ask you to leave.'  
'It's OK, we're talking about Italians.'  
'Shh. You can't talk in here.' The attendant's patience was beginning to wear thin.  
'OK, OK, Jonathon, remind me to tell you about Rudy when we leave.'  
Jonathon nodded and smiled politely. The cinema attendant grimaced and left.

Geraldine raced into her backyard and threw her arms around her ass. Her eyes filled with tears. She loved her donkey like a son, and she would die protecting him if that was what it took.  
'I-- I'm going to take you out of town. We can hide you until I can afford to pay off my gambling debts. I won't let them take you.'  
The ass lazily chewed grass, unaware and uncaring of matters of property.

Donald nudged Jonathon in the ribs again. 'She is hiding her ASS.' He was almost screaming. He winked broadly at Jonathon, who nodded politely in return.  
'Please, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.' The attendant returned.  
'No, no, I have our tickets here' Donald replied as he passed his and Jonathon's ticket stubs to her.  
'Please, you're disturbing the other guests, you have to leave now' the attendant continued.  
'We're paying customers. We're entitled to these seats.' Donald scowled at the cinema attendant.  
'Our other guests are paying customers as well, and they don't deserve to have their viewing experience interrupted like this.'  
'Oh, I paid for these seats, but I need to tone down? For the greater good, eh? Sorry, I didn't know this was a communist cinema. Thought I was free to do what I want.'  
'Please, sir, you're making a scene.'  
'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll just be leaving. Leaving for good. I won't be coming back to this dump. Terrible service. And I'll want a refund! C'mon, Jonathon.'  
Jonathon smiled politely at the cinema attendant as he and Donald left.  
'Can you believe this, Jonathon? Can you believe this? Can't even see a movie with a friend in this country anymore. Can't even see a movie, Jonathon!? Hey, you, I didn't finish the movie. Can you believe that? Can you believe they didn't let me see the movie I paid for? I need a refund. I didn't finish the movie.'  
The cashier seemed to shrink before Donald's bluster. 'OK, sir, if you'll let me see your ticket stubs, I can--'  
'More, more demands. More demands, when I'm the one paying your salary. More of, the... I paid the tickets, got this popcorn.' Donald threw the popcorn in the cinema attendants face.  
Two security guards rushed to Donald's sides. 'Sir, please, could you--'  
'Oh, now you're going to take me away, huh? He can't stand the heat? Can't stand the storm! Remember, Johnathon! Hidden ASS. They don't want you to know about the hidden ASS! Superman Castrates the World #3! Hidden ASS!'  
Jonathon smiled and nodded politely at Donald as the security guards took him away to their office.

\---

'Jonathon, I saw what you did to that gunman. You were never so brave when you had a penis.' Martha was waiting for Jonathon on his porch.  
'Martha! I thought I'd never see you again. I now think with my heart, and not with my penis. The penis is evil.'  
'OK, let's go inside and turn on the TV now.'  
'OK.'  
Jonathon and Martha walked inside and turned on the TV. Lois Lane was reporting the news.  
'I'm here live from outside LexCorp Tower where in the space of a few moments Lex Luthor has repented of his sinful, sexual ways, announced his run for presidency and killed three mass shooters. Early polls show his approval ratings at levels exceeding the previous record set by George W. Bush in the aftermath of 9/11, but some critics are sceptical of the story being pushed. Has the invasion of Afghanistan really made us safer? Is the opium trade, once nearly destroyed by the Taliban but now flourishing under coalition occupation, being used to fund illegal US government operations? Was Afghanistan's strategic position near Russia, China and Iran more important to the US than fighting terrorist organisations? Only time will tell.  
"In unrelated news, President Trump has been arrested aft--'  
Jonathon turned off the TV. 'Martha, one of the terrorist was left alive.' He was pale with fright. 'Luthor said he was taking him to prison alive.'  
'OK' Martha replied.

\---

'We have to go back to Metropolis. Luthor is hiding something. Something sinister.' Jonathon had a tortured expression. He was terrified of whatever Luthor had planned.  
'OK' Martha replied.  
'We will adopt Superman on the way. He can help us solve this mystery.'  
'OK.'  
A tremendous sound echoed across the land. Bolts of lightning covered the sky, and the sky shone with the light of one-hundred suns.  
'That will be Superman's spaceship. It is full of technology beyond our understanding, and more powerful than anything made by humanity.' Jonathon told Martha.  
'OK" Martha replied.  
Though it was far away from the road, the weird force with which it slowed its descent knocked Jonathon's car onto its roof, and left a crater 100 metres wide where it landed. Jonathon and Martha scrambled from their car and ran out to greet Superman.  
'Hello, I am Superman, sorry about your car' Superman said.  
'That is OK, you could not do anything about it, it is not your fault' Jonathon replied.  
'OK.' Superman lifted Jonathon and Martha and took them back to their car, which he righted using his amazing strength.  
'Thank you, Superman' Jonathon said to him.  
'You are such a sweet young man' Martha added as she pinched the Kryptonian's cheeks.  
'Thanks, you too.'  
'OK, thanks.'  
Jonathon started the car up, and the three continued on towards Metropolis.


	4. Superman Castrates the World #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superman attempts to buy a snack from the vending machine

_Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness. ___

____

____

__

\---

Lex Luthor laughed. 'My so called "opponent" has spent his presidency too busy golfing and assaulting cinema cashiers to fulfill even his pettiest promises. I, Lex Luthor, have forsaken the sin of sex, and will never again "jerk off". I am a hero.'  
President Donald Trump spoke through a webcam from his prison cell. 'Now that's not-- the, I've made the biggest temperatures on record, the hottest summers. We have had some of the hottest days on record, and that was me. People say it was co2, but it was me. I have committed the correct rituals, and Utu, Lord of the Sun, has blessed me, he's blessed America with his warming rays. There were some mistakes. They released many Star Wars movies during, the, my president, they made a lot. Not all of the Star Wars movies were good. Not everybody liked Solo, and that's fair. But we. There was no Mandalorian during Obama's presidency. You elect another Democrat, like Luthor, there won't be any more Mandalorian. There weren't any Star Wars movies during the Obama presidency. There weren't any, and that's the truth.'  
Lex Luthor laughed. 'The sun will shine brighter than ever if you make me your president. I shall assault the Heavens, and I shall make the sun my own. I will shine it at both night and day, so that the production of Star Wars movies will not be interrupted by the dark of the night. They will shoot twice the films, and everybody will love every release. Sex will be illegal! This I swear!'  
Donald Trump seemed enraged by Luthor's blasphemy. 'Now you can't do that, that isn't the way that we do things. That's not good. The sun belongs to Utu, Lord of the Sun, and he drives it across the sky in his chariot, and he takes the sun, and it goes to the underworld at night, where we can't see it, and some people think that's scary, some people think the sun won’t come back. But that’s the natural cycle of things. The sun has to go away some of the time, but it comes back. I sacrifice a sacred bull to Utu, and that makes Utu bring the sun back. Would it be a good thing for the sun to shine all of the time? Would it be a good thing for us to stop the natural cycle of day and night by stealing the sun from the gods? I'm not convinced. I think we should continue to offer sacrifices to Utu, which under me are the best sacrifices of any president ever, and Utu will return the sun to us every day. I'm not convinced about this new, this radical progressive idea of eternal sunshine, I'm not convinced.'  
Lex Luthor laughed. 'Though some fools, like the so called "president" here, still cling to their guns and Anunnaki, we are living the 21st century CE, not the 21st century BCE. Stealing the sun from the gods is exactly the kind of infrastructure project this country needs to revive its stagnant economy, and it is one that I will be personally funding. Join me, fellow Americans, at the Gates of the Heavens today, and we will use our numbers and technology to steal the sun!'

\---

'Hello, my name is Jonathon Kent, and this is my wife, Martha Kent, and my adopted son, Superman Kent, and we would like to rent a room, as the trip to Metropolis is long, and we are tired.'  
'OK.' The motel clerk handed Jonathon a room key.  
'Well, I'm beat, goodnight Martha Kent, goodnight Superman Kent.' Jonathon Kent fell asleep instantly.  
Superman went to the vending machine in the lobby; his mighty skin cells were able to turn the light of our yellow sun into more than enough energy to sustain himself, but Superman had chronic depression, and found comfort in junk food.  
The machine rejected his money, for it had many creases. Superman put the money into the machine again and again but it was rejected every time. He sunk to the floor, defeated, and began to cry.  
As he stewed in his tears, a woman dressed as a clown broke the vending machine with an oversized hammer. She scooped up packets and packets of Hershey's, Twizzlers and Skittles and handed them to grateful Superman, who eagerly supped on the she-clown's bounty. The sugar eased his psychological pain.  
'Naw, you're a cute little boy’ the she-clown said. She patted Superman on the head, and he in turn nuzzled his head against her.  
'Ma'am, please, don't break or steal my things!' The motel clerk was still behind his desk, watching them.  
'OK, I won't anymore.' the she-clown replied. This seemed to satisfy the clerk.  
Superman was happily sitting in the clown's lap, eating his treats. 'You seem like a nice clown to me. I do not know that you are, in fact, the notorious killer she-clown Harley Quinn.'  
'OK. I will be back later, Superman.' Harley Quinn walked into the bathroom and pulled out her phone. 'I've found him. We're at the Oceanview Motel. He hasn't realised that I am, in fact, the notorious killer she-clown Harley Quinn. He told me himself.'  
'OK, thanks.' On the other end of the call, Director Amanda Waller smiled. She hung up the phone and turned to face Deathstroke.

'Hello, Deathstroke' Amanda Waller said to Deathstroke. 'I am putting together a team. We're going to kill Superman.’  
Deathstroke laughed. A team? Some kind of Anti-Superman Squad?’  
‘Yes, Deathstroke. It’s my A. S. S., and I want you inside it.’ Amanda opened a video on her laptop. A satellite view of Earth, zoomed in on central Metropolis. Superman was thrusting his mighty penis into the Earth. Every minute he pounded, he dug another mile through the surface. Huge chunks of soil blew off and flew into space. 'The government has long dabbled in time travel technologies. Originally organised to preempt Soviet nuclear strikes, the Strategic Defense Initiative has been streaming a view of the world one month from the future for years now, and it's finally seen Armageddon. If we don't do something, Superman will get horny, and he will fuck the Earth to pieces.'  
Deathstroke's demeanor had changed. 'The whole planet?'  
'Life on Earth will end. The Earth itself will end. Our yellow sun grants him powers both wholesome and sexual. I've been preparing my A. S. S., but it's going to need to expand if it's going to take Superman. That's where you come in.'  
'But how can we kill Superman? He is very strong. He can shoot lasers out of his eyes. He also has ventriloquism powers.'  
Amanda lifted her briefcase onto the table and opened it. A single glowing, green bullet rested between two clear panes. 'This is called kryptonite. A substance formed during the destruction of Superman's home planet Krypton. It's his Achilles' heel. The one thing we have that can defeat him.'  
'OK, I will use it to shoot Superman now, goodbye.'  
'OK.'

\---

Superman's head lay on Harley Quinn's lap. She was gently stroking his hair as he spoke. 'I just feel so railroaded. I can't not save people, because nobody else has the abilities I do. Other people can choose how to use their life, but I just keep making the only decision I can.’  
Harley nodded. 'Everybody feels something similar sometimes. You could have chosen to not use your powers, or even used them to hurt people, but you chose to do something good, and that is worth being proud of. Maybe you need a more balanced life. Maybe sometimes the best thing you can do isn't using your powers. Lots of people have done great things without being Superman.'  
'I suppose…'  
'Even if superheroics is something you feel like you need to do, you need to maintain that balance. The people you’re saving have ordinary lives, and you need to understand ordinary lives for yourself if you’re going to help them as well as you can.'  
Superman sighed. 'It's just so hard. These super-responsibilities take up so much time.'  
'OK.'

Deathstroke walked up to the counter, stepping over Jonathon Kent, who was still sleeping there. 'Hello, my name is Slade Wilson, give me a room key please.'  
'OK' the hotel clerk replied.  
'Hello, she-clown I have not met before' Deathstroke said to Harley as he passed her and Superman. He winked broadly at her.  
Harley Quinn looked down at Superman, nervous. She was growing attached to him. She didn't want him to die.

\---

Lex Luthor laughed. A mob of millions had gathered at the Gates of Heaven, ready to help him steal the sun. "Those fools" he thought to himself. "They believe I have changed, but really, I am as horny as ever, and they are helping me to fuck the sun itself."  
Utu, Lord of the Sun, stood at the gates, flanked by a host of seven-by-seven angelic beings. 'Fools' he thundered. 'You betray the one who has warmed you and your fathers a hundred generations past to serve a man who has preys on your daughters?  
Lex Luthor laughed. 'Do not listen to him. I have given up my sinful ways, and now offer you eternal sunshine and the end of the sin of sex, while Utu cruelly hides the sun during the night and keeps its warmth for himself in the winter.' Lex Luthor used his trillion IQ points to calculate Utu's weak point and fired his pistol at it, killing him instantly. As the god fell, Luthor's army attacked, and cut down the angelic host to the last. Luthor pushed open the gates of Heaven and stepped in, eager to steal the sun.

\---

Superman did not seem like the kind of person who would fuck the world to pieces to Harley. Harley felt an intense sense of guilt; she'd shredded the insides of several childhood pets with her own penis, and yet she was on a mission to kill a hero who had never used his own for anything but urinating. 'I am going to the bathroom again, goodbye Superman.'  
'OK.'  
Harley walked into the women's bathroom, walked up to the sink and started to sob. 'I don't deserve this' she said, pulling her penis out of her pants. 'I once clubbed a child to death with this penis. I can't kill a saint like that for his libido while keeping my own intact. Or as intact as a Jewish girl's dick can get, anyway.'  
She punched the mirror, which shattered to pieces, and then cut off her penis with a shard.

'Hey, Supes, we need to leave.' She took Superman's hand and pulled him towards the door.  
'What, why?'  
'It's not safe. We have to leave.'  
'My adopted parents, Jonathon Kent and Martha Kent, are still here.' Superman motioned to Jonathon, who was still asleep on the lobby floor.  
'They'll be fine, we have to leave.' Harley pulled harder, but she was no match for Superman's Kryptonian might.  
Superman moved across the room to Jonathon and nudged him awake.  
'Hello Superman, how are you?' Jonathon said.  
'I'm OK, how are you?'  
'OK.'  
'That's good.'  
Superman motioned towards Harley. 'My she-clown friend says it isn't safe here.'  
'OK.'  
'Yes.'  
Deathstroke came around the corner, holding Martha Kent from behind with his gun to her head. 'Hello Superman, hello Jonathon' she said.  
'Hello' they both replied in unison.  
'This is my friend, uh...' Superman motioned towards Harley.  
'Harley.' she said.  
'OK' Martha replied.  
Deathstroke gripped Martha tight and the two moved across the room to Superman. 'I'm here for you, Superman. Come quietly and I won't hurt your mother.'  
'OK' Superman replied.  
'Thanks.' Deathstroke grabbed hold of Superman and released Martha. 'OK, goodbye everyone' he said.  
'Goodbye, Deathstroke' Martha replied. She had grown fond of him.  
Deathstroke held his gun to Superman's head and dragged him outside.  
Superman laughed. 'You imbecile. You fucking moron. I am bulletproof, for I am a powerful being from beyond the moon. I am more powerful than a bullet. More powerful than all the bullets in the world.'  
Deathstroke laughed. 'Not this bullet, because this bullet is made out of kryptonite, a rare element that was formed during the destruction of Krypton, which you are weak against.'  
'OK' replied a dejected Superman.  
Deathstroke pushed Superman down onto his knees and pointed his gun at the back of Superman's head. 'Now I will shoot you with my gun bullet' he said. Deathstroke fired, but as he did, his own knees bent backwards, and his aim fell far short.  
Harley Quinn stood over him, having knocked out his knees with her oversized clown hammer. She raised her hammer over him, ready to pummel in his face, but Superman came between them.  
'Stop, Harley. Killing is not a nice thing to do. My greatest power, the one that saved me, and the one that will save Deathstroke, is the power of love, and it's a power you have too.'  
'OK. Goodbye, Deathstroke.' Harley and Superman both went inside for some much needed rest.  
Deathstroke called Amanda Waller on his phone and said "hello Amanda, Harley has stopped me from killing Superman and they are friends now.'  
'OK' Amanda replied. She turned off her phone and smiled. Everything was going according to plan.

\---

Lex Luthor strutted douchily into the sun’s prison cell, his freakishly large, uncircumcised penis staining his pants-suit with globules of cum. ‘Ever since man first looked up to the heavens, he has dreamed of taking the sun’s virginity. You taunted us with your incredible hotness and size, haughty, believing we could never reach you. For the first 2020 years of human history, you were right.

‘For three-decades of my life, I dreamed of this day. For three decades, I prepared. I have wanted you ever since I was in the womb. My trillion IQ points granted me a greater understanding of the world before my birth than most people will develop over even a hundred years, and I understood that I would one day have sex with with you.’

The sun did nothing but burn with the power of a billion atomic weapons.

‘And now, you’re finally mine. Now, the oldest virginity in the universe in my grasp.’ Lex Luthor unzipped his penis and prepared to penetrate the sun. He rubbed his dick to harden it and spread his precum as a lubricant. He thrust his penis into the sun, and the world into crisis.

\---

Harley Quinn woke to Superman looking down at her. His breathing was laboured. His powerful super-lungs made him sound less like a panting man than a tired horse. Harley Quinn thought this, and then she thought about how horse metaphors could be called metap”horses”, which made her giggle. “What’s up, Superman?” she asked.

Superman seemed to break out of a trance at her question. ‘I- I don’t know. Something’s happening.’ He motioned down to his penis, which was fully erect under his costume.  
‘Holy, mohel, that’s a big one!’ Harley ejaculated.  
Superman was starting to cry. ‘What is it? This doesn’t feel right. What’s happening!?’  
‘Calm down, it’s going to be OK.’ Harley wiped a tear from beneath Superman’s eye.  
Superman calmed a little. ‘It’s hot in here, too hot’ he muttered. He moved out of their motel room and into the walk-in freezer of an attached diner where he laid on the floor and cried.

Harley hesitated, unsure of what she should do, but after a few minutes waiting followed Superman. She placed a hand on his shoulder as he wept.  
‘I’m so sorry. I never engaged in the sin of “horny” before’ he said.  
‘It’s OK. You didn’t do anything. You told me what was wrong and then went straight in here instead of having sex.’ Harley thought of what Amanda had shown her, thought of Superman fucking the world to pieces. ‘Is it me? Are you horny for me? Should I leave?’  
Superman looked up at Harley. His eyes began to glow bright blue. Harley moved her head to the side to avoid his gaze. ‘Uh, are you OK?’ she asked.  
‘No. Something’s wrong with the sun. I can see it using my amazing x-ray vision. Earth’s yellow sun-- the energy of which powers me-- has been corrupted by horny energy. Somebody has fucked the sun!’


	5. Batman & Robin Castrate the World #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman makes cereal for the kids

_This new world was so perfect that it seemed dangerous to speak of the old world. As if this new city, sprung from a sea of darkness, was balanced on a single point, teetering on a crucial ignorance. ___

__\---_ _

__The same election that swept Lex Luthor into power also gave congress its most dramatic shakeup since the Reconstruction era. The old cliques were shattered, and in their place a new type of technocrat had taken up the reigns; people were calling it the tech executive wave, because of all the tech executives who were elected._ _

__It had been a long time coming; a long-term plan, finally bearing fruit. Facebook, Twitter, Google et al. had long had an interest in politics; they were all NSA fronts, and congress had been probing deeper and deeper into their problematic oligopoly over the dominant medias of the 21st century._ _

__It was a slow process, to avoid backlash. To begin with, they banned the most objectionable people from their platforms. They removed the Nazis, sexists, the scum of the Earth. They had their defenders. “They’re private companies, and have the right to ban anybody they want” the left uncharacteristically cheered. The right angrily reeed, but was incapable of really harming a corporation._ _

__The noose tightened. After mass shooting after mass shooting, the tech giants responded by banning gun sales, videos, talk. People were free to say what they wanted, but not anywhere anybody listened anymore. They fact-checked an election-- and said nothing but the truth. They banned lies in the next. And then, when NATO invaded Syria “looking for WMDs”, the official story was the only one allowed, and it was wrong._ _

__They ran for office themselves. Despite how overwhelmingly uncharismatic and boring they all are, they already dominated the world outside of politics, and criticism of them over any channel people listened to was banned. It was a landslide victory._ _

__Their support for Luthor was overwhelming. He was much smarter than normal people, and therefore qualified to tell normal people what to do, they thought. His business was run the way America should be run, they thought. Luthor had used his one-trillion IQ points to invent a kind of oversecond delivery service that gave cancer to the delivery person; these delivery people were disproportionately not college graduates, and so their painful deaths were seen as an advantage. He was not held back by old and silly superstitions, and had once spliced together his own DNA with that of a racoon for a lark. He was the ubermensch, and was going to wipe away this world and bring about the eschaton._ _

__\---_ _

__Lex Luthor pushed the preacher to the side and brought his gun down to her face.  
‘She’s an abomination!’ the preacher said. ‘I respect people no matter their sexuality: NOT transgender women.’  
‘That is illegal now’ Lex Luthor replied as he shot the preacher in the face, killing her. He reached a hand out to Carrie Kelly and pulled her to her feet. ‘Don’t worry, she can’t hurt you anymore. I have made sex and sex sympathisers illegal. I have defeated death itself, and stolen the sun from the Heavens. Lex Luthor.’  
‘Thank you, President Luthor! You’re my idol!’  
‘OK, I am going away now, goodbye.’ Luthor activated his rocket boots and blasted away, into the sky.  
Carrie Kelly looked on with awe and love. The streets were safe to walk now that Luthor had made people respect each other no matter their gender, race or immigration status, instead of no matter their sexuality. She left the worn-down old church and stepped onto the street, and a random person gave her a high-five and slipped her $5. Another walked up to her and told her he wasn’t sexist. A black person was there, and he was having a great time. Just the best time, because of how there was no racism. Carrie Kelly marvelled at the new Luthor-era city. Mechanical men-- they called them men of steel-- guarded every street corner, and they killed anybody who was horny. As people were not putting their energy towards having sex, the streets were bustling with activity. New buildings, reaching higher than any the world had known before, were under construction on nearly every block, going up above the clouds. The streets were paved with a new kind of gold, genetically engineered to be an appropriate building material for streets. Public transport was available every 200 metres, and everybody always thanked the bus driver, on penalty of death._ _

__‘Thank you, bus driver’ Carrie Kelly said as she got off for school.  
‘OK’ the bus driver replied.  
School had become much different after sex was outlawed. Where once she was an outcast for being trans, now that people acknowledged that asexuals were better than them, she was the most popular girl there. She had already been voted prom queen, six months before prom, and teachers gave her automatic A+s in all her classes._ _

__Asexuals should be treated better than other people in real life, but the world is unfair._ _

__‘Hey, Carrie.’ Jason Todd walked up to her, blushing, nervous.  
‘H- hey, Jason.’ Carrie stuttered, refused eye contact, didn’t know what to do with her hands.  
‘I was wondering if you want to…’ Jason scratched the back of his head, his mouth seemed locked in place. ‘Would you like to come over to my place for Bible study and Kellog’s Corn Flakes?’  
Carrie’s heart jumped, and the spaghetti dropped. ‘I’d the like that well, ya know?’  
Jason decided to smooth things over by taking that as a yes. ‘This is the best thing that’s happened to me since they made sex illegal’ he said.  
Carrie nodded, unable to talk, as Jason, trembling, retreated._ _

__\---_ _

__‘Now is the time for action, not debate.’ Lex Luthor’s voice had risen to a scream, and he was gesticulating wildly. Untermensch are out there, right now, having sex, and I’m the only one who can stop them. Give me what I need to fulfill my promise, give me complete control over the government, just until sex can be stamped out. Lex Luthor.’_ _

__The senate almost unanimously rose and cheered. Why wouldn’t they? Luthor had given them a golden age. An age without sex. GDP per capita was up 200%. Racism, sexism and national chauvinism were gone. Flyover state Republicans had free, government funded access to a shortened lifetime of opioids._ _

__The votes passed with few dissenters, and congress’ powers were handed over to the president. The entire Supreme Court retired and Luthor was made the only justice in the land. He said thanks and then left._ _

__\---_ _

__‘So God struck Onan dead for masturbating’ Jason, reading, said.  
‘Yes, that is good, people who masturbate should die’ Carrie replied.  
‘Hello, I am Bruce Wayne, I made you two lovebirds Kellog’s Corn Flakes’ Bruce Wayne said, walking in with two delicious bowls of Kellog’s Corn Flakes.  
Jason and Carrie both blushed deeply. Jason muttered something and left for the bathroom.  
‘Hello, would you like to hear a story from me, Bruce Wayne?’ Bruce asked.  
‘OK’ Carrie replied.  
‘When I was a child, my father came to me’ Bruce Wayne said, as he placed the cornflakes down. ‘He was holding his football, and he said to me “hello, Bruce Wayne, my son, would you like to go to the backyard and rub your old man’s pigskin?” Now, I loved that football like a son, I loved to rub my old man’s pigskin, I said to my father “OK” and we went to the backyard.  
‘He tossed the football to me, and I caught it and I rubbed it vigorously, making him laugh. He laughed as I rubbed his pigskin, as though it was the funniest thing he had ever seen.  
‘Later that night, he was shot to death in an alley.’ Bruce punched a hole in the wall and pulled a football through it. ‘This is that football, and I want you to have it. If you ever feel sad or frightened, you just give it a rub, and I promise, everything will be alright.’  
‘OK’ Carrie replied.  
‘Thanks.’  
Jason Todd came back, and Bruce headed to the door. ‘Don’t forget what I told you, Carrie. I rubbed my old man’s pigskin.’ Bruce winked back at her before leaving.  
‘What was that all about?’ Jason asked.  
‘Your adopted father, Bruce Wayne, gave me the football he rubbed the night his parents died.’  
‘OK.’ Jason looked into her eyes. He moved his face closer to hers, in inches and jerks, and she moved hers closer to his. They shared their first kiss, and there was nothing sexual about it, because they were in love, and that is the opposite of sex.  
Carrie looked away, smirking and giggling. ‘I’ve got to be getting home, but I’ll see you tomorrow’ she said.  
‘OK’ Jason replied._ _

__The two were sitting at school, holding hands and talking about their feelings in a very unsexy way when one of the men of steel-- the mechanical men who had been executing anybody caught having sex-- approached them.  
[HELLO, I AM A ROBOT, HAVE SEX NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU] it screeched.  
‘What? Sex is illegal. What’s wrong with you?’ Jason stood between the machine and Carrie. He placed a hand on it to stop it moving closer, but it pushed in with incredible force.  
[FUCK NOW, OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED] It aimed its armcannon at Jason, who with incredible speed and dexterity knocked the machine to the ground, pulled the canon from its arm and turned it back on itself. The canon released its energy into the robot, destroying it.  
‘Are you alright?’ Carrie ran up to him in a panic.  
‘I’m OK, but they’re not!’ Jason ran to another man of steel and roundhouse kicked its head off moments before the people it was assaulting got lewd.  
Carrie, fumbling, pulled the football Bruce had given her out of her backpack. She started to rub it, remembering what he had told her, and it cracked open, revealing a hidden compartment inside.  
A shadow fell on her back, blocking out the sun. She turned to face the Batman.  
‘When I rubbed my father’s pigskin and he got shot, I swore that anybody who rubbed my pigskin would have the capability to help people who were going to get shot’ he said._ _

__Carrie looked inside the now open football and saw that it contained a Batgirl costume, tailored to fit her, and a belt full of gadgets. As she changed, Batman and Jason tore through the men of steel, saving countless people from being executed, or worse, having sex, yet the screams of those they couldn’t reach came from all around them._ _

__\---_ _

__Lex Luthor looked out from his penthouse at the chaos below. ‘Haha, it is good that people are having sex or dying. When I said that I wanted sex to be illegal, I was epically trolling everybody all along’ he said.  
‘You’ll never get away with this, Luthor. The Justice League is out there, and they’re going to stop you.’ Barbara Gordon spat on him, but that only made him harder.  
Lex Luthor laughed. ‘I have defeated death itself, what is Aquaman to somebody like me?’ He slapped Barbara across the face, knocking her to the floor, and then unzipped his dick.  
Barbara struggled against her restraints. ‘You sick bastard. Premarital sex is clearly forbidden by the Bible, as well as the Quran and Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.’  
Lex Luthor laughed. ‘People who have sex, like me, do not care about what is right or wrong. We only care about getting our next “hit” of the sin of sex, no matter who it hurts.’  
He grabbed Barbara’s hair and brought her face to his freakishly large dick. She screamed and struggled and attempted to push him off, but her IQ of 200 was no match for his IQ of one trillion, and he had his hideous way with her._ _

__\---_ _

__‘Using my IQ of two trillion’ Batman said ‘I have deduced that President Luthor was just trolling us when he made sex illegal, and he really wanted to make sex mandatory all along.’  
‘That’s impossible. He saved me from being murdered for being trans. Anybody who has sex hates minorities, and wants us to be killed’ Carrie protested.  
‘He was just playing the long game. Like a social media website banning unimportant Nazi weirdos to gain support before they ban criticism of the state of Israel.’ Batman winked at you, the reader.  
Jason, now dressed in his Robin costume, came up to the two. ‘The rest of the Justice League is caught up protecting their own cities, except for Aquaman, who lives in the ocean, and John Constantine, who lives in England.’  
Aquaman walked up to the three and said “hey, everyone, it’s me, Aquaman.’  
Later, John Constantine was there too, and the five heroes decided to attack Lexxcorp tower and put an end to Luthor’s reign of terror._ _


End file.
